"I am Methos. You live to serve me. Bacon or eggs take your pick."
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sweepin' the heads a-way
[FADE to Joe's Bar. Miss Piggy enters, hair wild, brandishing a sword.]
PIGGY: All right. I know he's in town. Where is he? Where is he?!
DUNCAN: Where is who, Piggy?
PIGGY: You know him as Bert, but to me he is Bertos, leader of the Four Horsemuppets of the Apocalypse.
JOE: But the Horsemuppets are just a legend.
PIGGY: Not to me, they aren't...
[FADE to 3000 years ago. Horsemuppet camp. Piggy wakes up.]
PIGGY: [dazed and confused] Where am I?
METHOS: I am Methos. You live to serve me. Bacon or eggs take your pick.
METHOS: Your village is providing dinner tonight.
PIGGY: My people, what have you done with them?
METHOS: You wanna see them? [Points to spits where several pigs are impaled and rotating.] There they are.
PIGGY: [horrified] Porky! Babe! Tilly! You killed them? You killed all of them?!
METHOS: Including you but your fat is hard to fry.
[Ernie is chasing Animal across the camp.]
ERNIE: Give it back!
ANIMAL: [holding a rubber ducky out of reach] Me want ducky! Me want ducky!
METHOS: [snatches rubber ducky and honks it at Animal] Enough! If I have to lose one, it will be you.
METHOS: Not anymore.
BERTOS: Good. We are brothers. We never raise a rubber ducky against each other. And we share everything. [machine-gun laugh] Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Wanna see my paperclip collection?
ANIMAL, ERNIE, METHOS: No!!!
[FADE to Joe's Bar. Methos enters.]
METHOS: Uh, hi guys. What's up?
METHOS: I don't know you.
PIGGY: You're dead! [karate chop] Hiiiiiiiii-ya! Hiiiii-ya! Ya! Ya!
METHOS: [crumpling under Miss Piggy's blows] MacLeod! Help me!
[Duncan grabs Miss Piggy. Methos runs away.]
DUNCAN: What are you doing?!
PIGGY: He was one of them one of the Horsemuppets. He fried bacon and roasted pork alongside them!
[FADE to parking lot of Joe's Bar. Methos is opening the door to his Jimmy. Suddenly he gasps and looks down. A giant paper clip is stuck in his chest.]
BERTOS: Greetings, brother. It's been a long time. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. [Yanks paper clip out. Methos gasps.] What's the matter? You gone soft? Spending too much time in front of a computer?
METHOS: I outgrew Commodore 64s a lot quicker than you, Bertos.
BERTOS: How rude! [Slaps Post-It note over Methos' mouth. Notices Methos' bruises.] So... Piggy's back. You never could bring yourself to make pork chops, could you? Well, I'll do it for you, but first you kill MacLeod!
[Duncan exits Joe's Bar to see Methos peeling a Post-It note off his mouth, staring forlornly into the distance.]
DUNCAN: Did you do it? Did you bake all those sausage rolls?
METHOS: Let it be, MacLeod.
DUNCAN: No. Answer me, Methos!
METHOS: Yes! Is that what you wanna hear? I baked those sausage rolls. But I didn't just bake a hundred. I baked a thousand. I baked ten thousand! And I fried chicken too!
GONZO: You killed a chicken?! [Whips out sword rushes at Methos.] The Great Gonzo will have your head!
[Methos scrambles into the Jimmy and floors it. Gonzo turns on Duncan angrily.]
GONZO: Is he a friend of yours?
DUNCAN: [sadly] Not anymore. We're through.
[FADE to an abandoned Office Depot. Bertos is stringing paper clips into a long chain. He feels a buzz.]
BERTOS: So, you're back. Did you kill MacLeod?
[Methos is silent.]
BERTOS: [rattling paper clip chain] I should just kill you instead.
METHOS: If you do, you'll never have the Horsemuppets.
BERTOS: What do you mean?
METHOS: Ernie and Animal, I know where they are.
[FADE to an abandoned Toys 'R' Us. Methos and Ernie are walking down an aisle.]
ERNIE: Isn't this wonderful? We're all together again. [Spies a shelf full of rubber duckies. Snatches one and hugs it.] Oh look! Do you think Bertos will let me keep it?
METHOS: I'll ask him.
[FADE to exterior of Toys 'R' Us.]
KERMIT: Hi ho. Kermit the Watcher here, on what will soon be the site of a battle between powerful Immortals. The outcome will determine the fate of the world! Ssshhh, here come some of them now.
[Bertos appears, dragging Miss Piggy into the Toys 'R' Us.]
KERMIT: [whispering] Unbeknownst to Bertos, Duncan MacLeod has just killed Animal in a music store drumsticks are no match for a katana and now MacLeod is on his way here.
[FADE to Toys 'R' Us, interior.]
BERTOS: I brought you a present, brother. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. [Shoves Miss Piggy at Methos.]
PIGGY: [to Methos] I knew you were a Horsemuppet, no matter what you told Dunkie-poo. You you carnivore!
METHOS: I never said I was a vegetarian.
BERTOS: Tie her up.
[Ernie ties up Miss Piggy with skipping rope. Bertos hears a noise.]
BERTOS: We have a guest.
[Bertos and Methos go to the checkout section of the store.]
BERTOS: Give up, MacLeod. Attack me, and my brother here will make sure that there's pork on the barbie tonight.
DUNCAN: Methos, don't do this.
METHOS: I always go where there's dinner.
[Duncan draws his katana and advances on Bertos.]
BERTOS: Kill the pig.
[Methos runs off.]
[FADE to back room of Toys 'R' Us.]
METHOS: [draws sword] Untie her.
ERNIE: [static laugh] Kehehehehe. Should I fire up the barbecue, brother?
METHOS: [swings sword down till it's resting on the rubber ducky] I am not your brother!
ERNIE: [shocked] How can you do this? You would kill my rubber ducky to save a pig?
METHOS: I'm reducing the fat and cholesterol in my diet. [Slices rubber ducky in half.] We're having duck l'orange tonight.
[Ernie screams, draws Fisher Price ax and charges at Methos.]
[From behind a checkout counter.]
KERMIT: [whispering] Hi ho. Kermit the Watcher here again. As you can see, the battle has been joined...
[Kermit hops to the back room. Intent on fighting, Ernie and Methos don't notice him. He unties Miss Piggy.]
PIGGY: Kermie! My hero! [kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...]
[Ernie and Methos' duel moves out of the back room.]
BERTOS: [seeing Ernie and Methos] Methos! [to Duncan] I am the end of swine!!!
DUNCAN: [grinning] You're Caesar salad and we all know what happened to Caesar. [Duncan stabs Bertos.]
ERNIE: [seeing Bertos go down] Old buddy! No!
[Methos uses the distraction to knock Ernie to his knees. He takes Ernie's head. The lights in the store dim. Cash registers go ka-ching ka-ching. Lego flies out of their boxes. Barbie dolls start talking like G.I. Joe. Rubber duckies bonk Duncan and Methos on the head. Methos drops to his knees.]
METHOS: [sobbing] I killed Ernie! I liked Ernie!
PIGGY: [holding Ernie's ax to Methos' neck] And now your goose will be cooked.
DUNCAN: Piggy, no!
PIGGY: You want him to live?!
DUNCAN: Yes, I want him to live!
[Miss Piggy lowers ax.]
[FADE to a park.]
DUNCAN: So you're giving up meat and veggies? What are you going to do, chew gum the rest of your life?
METHOS: A thousand Chiclets, MacLeod. A thousand Chiclets.
KERMIT: [voiceover] This episode of Seacouver Street was brought to you by the letters R-E-V and by the numbers 6 and 8!
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