In Joe's Bar
"I am Methos. You live to serve me. Bacon or eggs — take your pick."


Seacouver Street
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Adam Pierson
Methos Chronicles
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Seacouver Street
By Sharon L /

Get in the mood with MIDIs of the themes from Sesame Street and The Muppet Show. And look in the text for a link to another famous muppet song. Let's sing along now...

Sunny day, sweepin' the heads a-way
On my way to where the beer runs sweet
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Seacouver Street...
How to get to Seacouver Street...

[FADE to Joe's Bar. Miss Piggy enters, hair wild, brandishing a sword.]

PIGGY: All right. I know he's in town. Where is he? Where is he?!

DUNCAN: Where is who, Piggy?

PIGGY: Bertos.

DUNCAN: Bertos?

PIGGY: You know him as Bert, but to me he is Bertos, leader of the Four Horsemuppets of the Apocalypse.

JOE: But the Horsemuppets are just a legend.

PIGGY: Not to me, they aren't...

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[FADE to 3000 years ago. Horsemuppet camp. Piggy wakes up.]

PIGGY: [dazed and confused] Where am I?

METHOS: I am Methos. You live to serve me. Bacon or eggs — take your pick.

PIGGY: B-b-b-bacon?

METHOS: Your village is providing dinner tonight.

PIGGY: My people, what have you done with them?

METHOS: You wanna see them? [Points to spits where several pigs are impaled and rotating.] There they are.

PIGGY: [horrified] Porky! Babe! Tilly! You killed them? You killed all of them?!

METHOS: Including you — but your fat is hard to fry.

[Ernie is chasing Animal across the camp.]

ERNIE: Give it back!

ANIMAL: [holding a rubber ducky out of reach] Me want ducky! Me want ducky!

METHOS: [snatches rubber ducky and honks it at Animal] Enough! If I have to lose one, it will be you.

BERTOS: Trouble?

METHOS: Not anymore.

BERTOS: Good. We are brothers. We never raise a rubber ducky against each other. And we share everything. [machine-gun laugh] Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Wanna see my paperclip collection?


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[FADE to Joe's Bar. Methos enters.]

METHOS: Uh, hi guys. What's up?


METHOS: I don't know you.

PIGGY: You're dead! [karate chop] Hiiiiiiiii-ya! Hiiiii-ya! Ya! Ya!

METHOS: [crumpling under Miss Piggy's blows] MacLeod! Help me!

[Duncan grabs Miss Piggy. Methos runs away.]

DUNCAN: What are you doing?!

PIGGY: He was one of them — one of the Horsemuppets. He fried bacon and roasted pork alongside them!

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[FADE to parking lot of Joe's Bar. Methos is opening the door to his Jimmy. Suddenly he gasps and looks down. A giant paper clip is stuck in his chest.]

BERTOS: Greetings, brother. It's been a long time. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. [Yanks paper clip out. Methos gasps.] What's the matter? You gone soft? Spending too much time in front of a computer?

METHOS: I outgrew Commodore 64s a lot quicker than you, Bertos.

BERTOS: How rude! [Slaps Post-It note over Methos' mouth. Notices Methos' bruises.] So... Piggy's back. You never could bring yourself to make pork chops, could you? Well, I'll do it for you, but first — you kill MacLeod!

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[Duncan exits Joe's Bar to see Methos peeling a Post-It note off his mouth, staring forlornly into the distance.]

DUNCAN: Did you do it? Did you bake all those sausage rolls?

METHOS: Let it be, MacLeod.

DUNCAN: No. Answer me, Methos!

METHOS: Yes! Is that what you wanna hear? I baked those sausage rolls. But I didn't just bake a hundred. I baked a thousand. I baked ten thousand! And I fried chicken too!

GONZO: You killed a chicken?! [Whips out sword rushes at Methos.] The Great Gonzo will have your head!

[Methos scrambles into the Jimmy and floors it. Gonzo turns on Duncan angrily.]

GONZO: Is he a friend of yours?

DUNCAN: [sadly] Not anymore. We're through.

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[FADE to an abandoned Office Depot. Bertos is stringing paper clips into a long chain. He feels a buzz.]

BERTOS: So, you're back. Did you kill MacLeod?

[Methos is silent.]

BERTOS: [rattling paper clip chain] I should just kill you instead.

METHOS: If you do, you'll never have the Horsemuppets.

BERTOS: What do you mean?

METHOS: Ernie and Animal, I know where they are.

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[FADE to an abandoned Toys 'R' Us. Methos and Ernie are walking down an aisle.]

ERNIE: Isn't this wonderful? We're all together again. [Spies a shelf full of rubber duckies. Snatches one and hugs it.] Oh look! Do you think Bertos will let me keep it?

METHOS: I'll ask him.

ERNIE: [singing] Oh, rubber ducky, you're the one.... You make bath time so much fun....

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[FADE to exterior of Toys 'R' Us.]

KERMIT: Hi ho. Kermit the Watcher here, on what will soon be the site of a battle between powerful Immortals. The outcome will determine the fate of the world! Ssshhh, here come some of them now.

[Bertos appears, dragging Miss Piggy into the Toys 'R' Us.]

KERMIT: [whispering] Unbeknownst to Bertos, Duncan MacLeod has just killed Animal in a music store — drumsticks are no match for a katana — and now MacLeod is on his way here.

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[FADE to Toys 'R' Us, interior.]

BERTOS: I brought you a present, brother. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. [Shoves Miss Piggy at Methos.]

PIGGY: [to Methos] I knew you were a Horsemuppet, no matter what you told Dunkie-poo. You — you — carnivore!

METHOS: I never said I was a vegetarian.

BERTOS: Tie her up.

[Ernie ties up Miss Piggy with skipping rope. Bertos hears a noise.]

BERTOS: We have a guest.

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[Bertos and Methos go to the checkout section of the store.]

BERTOS: Give up, MacLeod. Attack me, and my brother here will make sure that there's pork on the barbie tonight.

DUNCAN: Methos, don't do this.

METHOS: I always go where there's dinner.

[Duncan draws his katana and advances on Bertos.]

BERTOS: Kill the pig.

[Methos runs off.]

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[FADE to back room of Toys 'R' Us.]

METHOS: [draws sword] Untie her.

ERNIE: [static laugh] Kehehehehe. Should I fire up the barbecue, brother?

METHOS: [swings sword down till it's resting on the rubber ducky] I am not your brother!

ERNIE: [shocked] How can you do this? You would kill my rubber ducky to save a pig?

METHOS: I'm reducing the fat and cholesterol in my diet. [Slices rubber ducky in half.] We're having duck l'orange tonight.

[Ernie screams, draws Fisher Price ax and charges at Methos.]

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[From behind a checkout counter.]

KERMIT: [whispering] Hi ho. Kermit the Watcher here again. As you can see, the battle has been joined...

[Kermit hops to the back room. Intent on fighting, Ernie and Methos don't notice him. He unties Miss Piggy.]

PIGGY: Kermie! My hero! [kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...]

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[Ernie and Methos' duel moves out of the back room.]

BERTOS: [seeing Ernie and Methos] Methos! [to Duncan] I am the end of swine!!!

DUNCAN: [grinning] You're Caesar salad — and we all know what happened to Caesar. [Duncan stabs Bertos.]

ERNIE: [seeing Bertos go down] Old buddy! No!

[Methos uses the distraction to knock Ernie to his knees. He takes Ernie's head. The lights in the store dim. Cash registers go ka-ching ka-ching. Lego flies out of their boxes. Barbie dolls start talking like G.I. Joe. Rubber duckies bonk Duncan and Methos on the head. Methos drops to his knees.]

METHOS: [sobbing] I killed Ernie! I liked Ernie!

PIGGY: [holding Ernie's ax to Methos' neck] And now your goose will be cooked.

DUNCAN: Piggy, no!

PIGGY: You want him to live?!

DUNCAN: Yes, I want him to live!

[Miss Piggy lowers ax.]

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[FADE to a park.]

DUNCAN: So you're giving up meat and veggies? What are you going to do, chew gum the rest of your life?

METHOS: A thousand Chiclets, MacLeod. A thousand Chiclets.

KERMIT: [voiceover] This episode of Seacouver Street was brought to you by the letters R-E-V and by the numbers 6 and 8!

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